Each person is not really an individual but a collection of individuals. Even as we speak of individuality and uniqueness, it is infact an amalgamation of entities that mould us into a form of social existence. All human beings are nothing but fusions of elements created from social presence and individual analysis. In layman's terms, we are probably a combination of answers to four questions namely, What I think I am, What people around me think I am, What I think people around me think I am and What I really am?.
What I think I am?
Thoughts in general are always guided by personal experiences and social exposure. Each one of us is moulded into a state of conviction of our own self by the social consciousness and the upbringing. I can play around with words and leave you in total confusion but that is not the purpose here. The words were just a prelude to exposing myself the way I think I am. I don't see myself as an angel because even angels have their own hidden agendas, whether it is based on faith or based on karma. I don't see myself as a devil too because I dont have a full time job adorning the horns. I am more of a mix of both I believe. I feel I am a product of scars given out by emotional, physical and mental experiences over the years. I am what I call myself sometimes - A Maverick. A standard does not work for me and I am the one who probably searches for the road not taken and finds excitement in clearing a path for myself. I may not be too calculated in my interactions with people nor too cautious in my reactions. I am just a guy who realises the brevity of my life and tries to be spontaneous in situations and be happy with everything.
What people around me think I am?
I have always had people use different words to define me and feel it convenient to brand me in a way which suits their moods and existence. I do believe that most people see me as a temporary relief in different forms as a friend, as a lover and as a resource most of the time. One of my ex-gf used to called me the DEVIL'S ANGEL, as she felt that I was an angel with a devilish mind. It was a good thing because I felt that it was nice to be a known devil than an unknown angel. It got more interesting when a facebook friend wanted me to share my worries with her and when I did that she bluntly informed me that I wanted to be like Mother Theresa by letting the world know that I help people. As of today, she has blocked me in facebook and the only thing I had done was tell her openly about my insecurities about people and how I felt betrayed by some of them after I have helped them blindly.The last nail came in the form a close friend's teenage daughter tell me of my issues and how I was disturbing her mother without really understanding the dynamics I had with the lovely lady. Well, the kid ended up calling me WEIRD and left me scarred a lot. Weird was not a bad word for me but it was used to tell me that I was very wrong in my interaction with her mom while she did not have any clue of what had happened. I realised slowly that people conveniently brand others in whatever way that makes them feel comfortable or gratified or safe and it is more of a method of convincing oneself of their self. In short, I am more or less a branded person depending on person and circumstance and easily pointed at in any situation they choose to.
What I think people around me think I am?
I think people around me see me as a person comfortable to talk to and one who can be dropped off quite easily. They probably feel that I will never become a person who can be a threat or difficulty at any point in their life and one who can probably be exploited and manipulated depending on the situation. There have been numerous times when I have felt more or less like a resource who was made to feel as if there was no emotional aspect attached and my faithful allegiance was assured in everything to the extent they decided. In between all these exploitative and manipulative thought processes, I feel that I have been a source of inspiration to quite a few with my actions and decisions too. It felt happy to know there have been people who have been motivated by me and people who see me as a friend whom they can rely on without a second thought. It does feel great to get that kind of faith from friends. I think I am not really seen as a permanent fixture in anybody's life yet but more as a temporary filler which can be related to a clown in a birthday party. I provide amusement for a while and make life's party enjoyable and fun before I move on. I wish I was wrong in my conclusion in this aspect but I fear that I am wrong in my wish in this case.
What I really am?
I wish I knew the answer to this question. An answer which was complete and did not leave an iota of doubt in my mind. But sadly the sheer existence of life sometimes is a journey searching for the answer to this question. I wanted to be brutally honest with this and hope that I get it right in one go. I might be a physically active and horny person but I know how to respect and treat a woman with dignity. I might be a mentally aggressive and frustrated person but I know that calmness is infectious and maintain a relaxed body language. I might be a control freak and like to lead but I know that best output comes from team work and mutual respect and acceptance. I might be a sarcastic person but my sarcasm is limited to words but when it comes to true friendship, I dont even use words but just be there for people. I might be confused about myself but I am clear about the fact that I should not make other peoples lives uncomfortable.
I leave the question to you whether you agree with what I have stated but let me warn you that what you think of me might also be based on how I am with you based on my thoughts on what you think about me and so, it might not be the real me in the first place. Never judge a book by its cover and never judge a person by his behavior or words because they could merely be circumstantial and a reaction to an external stimuli not connected to you too. I know one thing for sure. I am what I am and I wont try to be someone else before anyone. There is none to impress and none to convince because I am sure of myself and if you can take me in like I am, we are in for a wonderful journey together.
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